Entry 23--AKA: "Why can't everything be good at the same time?"

Here it is, December 17:
my first quarter is over...
another semester finished...
another year to look back on...
another year to look forward to/dread.

Sometimes my pessimism astounds even me. Where was I?

Actually, as the title of my blog suggests, not everything is so awful at the moment. I just got my grades back for the quarter and I will count it among the successes in my academic history. I received an A- in my philosophy class, an A- in my Early American lit class, and a B+ in my American novel class. Not bad for my first quarter! Even my GPA at UCD is higher than my average transfer GPA, and if you compare it to my final semester at ARC, I only lost a .44 in my overall GPA, so I'm way ahead of the curve in that respect.

The quarter, however, was hard. At one point I even looked into the consequences of dropping out, and although I did not consider dropping out in any real way, it was something that crossed my mind this quarter. It's hard sometimes: I feel as though I'm way behind in everything I do. Some of the kids in my classes are so smart, and they are, in some cases, 10 years younger than me, and there were definitely times when I would ask myself why I decided to go through with school to this extent. After all, the question everyone seems to ask me is "what do you plan to do after college?" and you would think that at 27 I would have a fairly well-thought out answer, or even an answer at all. I am beginning to feel quite silly saying "I don't know."

Even if I do make a decision, and that decision involves graduate studies (which seems to be everyone's assumption at this point), I am not looking at graduating until I'm well into my thirties. I know that's not unheard of, but I was hoping to have something in my life settled by that time, and I don't believe anything will "settle" in our lives until I'm through with school.

-sigh-

And graduate studies. I don't even know where to begin with that. I've definitely been considering it, and have even researched some schools in the area. I just cannot commit to teaching as a profession! I think on it, consider it, wonder about it, but frankly without experience, I cannot, and will not, commit myself to a future that I don't feel I fully understand. What if I go through all the education to become a college teacher, and then stand in front of a classroom and at that moment realize that I made a serious mistake? Dreadful thought. I would like more experience with students, and I was hoping to get an IA position at ARC, but with the current economy I just don't see that happening either. As far as my current job is concerned, I have just decided to hang on for the long haul, and hope some thing opens up in the next 3-5 years so I can work with students on an educational basis, instead of taking messages.

Work. That brings me to the source of most of my current anxiety. I am so disheartened and discouraged, and I don't know how to change it. Suffice to say, I was really counting on people being cooperative with me, being that I'm going through many changes outside of work--transferring and such--and I found that cooperation lacking, severely. I'm mostly disappointment with people that I really felt I could count on, one person mostly. Now I think my boss is upset with me, and I don't know why. I will be the first to admit that I have not been myself this semester, but could one really expect me not to change when so many other things in my life have? I feel I was naive to expect any kind of understanding at my job. After all, it is just a job, and even though, up until now, they have been, I'm no longer a student at ARC, and I can no longer represent our program.

For the first time since I got this job I've actually started looking for another job. It's painful to admit, and it's really half-hearted on my part, but still I've been looking. I know I work really hard there, and even at my most miserable (like most of this semester) I have given nothing but my best to keep things running, and to do my job to the best of my ability. I keep hoping that "tomorrow" will be better, but everyday is worse, and everyday I come home disappointed that I even bothered to hope. I was even hoping this weekend that I would get really sick and miss work this week.
That's not a good thing.

I haven't officially given up yet. It was one semester, so I know that overall my job here has been a happy one. I really do like what I do, mostly, but I would like more opportunities. I know someday I'll leave, and I just have to be patient. As far as the current problem, perhaps they will get better next semester, or maybe it's just me, and now that I'm acclimated with my new surroundings I'll feel more confident in everything else. No matter what, I'll "keep on keepin' on."

Until next time...