Entry 55—AKA: “Trying to decide what’s worse.”

I got a job. It’s not a great job. I’m trying to remain optimistic, though. The job is at a Panera bakery as a customer service clerk. Basically, taking customer orders and cleaning tables. Minimum wage. I’m not thrilled.

I’m sure I don’t have to explain why it sucks so hard to have worked for 5 years on a degree only to look for a job for 5 months and only get offered one at minimum wage at a cafe.

It screams typical “humanities” major. I guess, on the bright side, it’s not a bookstore which is where I thought I’d end up for sure. I’m sure it’s not so bad. It’s a job, which is all I was hoping for at this point, so I’m not going to complain about it.

Otherwise, my next best shot is much better. I’m currently in the running for a position at a bank as a teller in Seattle. I can’t wait to find out if I get it. The second interviews are next week sometime and though they didn’t call me today to set it up, I’m confident they’ll call me. The first interview went so great. I had it almost right after my Panera interview, which was a great warm-up for the bank interview. The manager was very interested in what I had to say and the interview lasted almost an hour. I feel so good about this that it’s hard not to get my hopes up, but at the same time, the last thing I want is to cry for two days the last time I was disappointed. Must stay positive, but must also maintain a level of distance that will not depress me to that point again.

I haven’t heard from any other jobs yet. Sad, isn’t it? 5 months of job hunting has led to a grand total of 5 calls to set up interview. Of those 5, only 2 have actually turned into an interview. Of those 2, I’ve only been offered one job, and it’s a minimum wage clerk at a bakery. FML.

I’m not going to discourage myself. The economy is discouraging enough without my help.

If I get the job at the bank so much will change for us. Jason doesn’t have a job there yet, so I’ll be moving up there and finding and apartment asap, and he’ll join me later as soon as he finds one. It might be a week, or a month, but if he doesn’t find one, he’ll move up after the holidays. It will be nice to have two incomes for awhile, though, especially since he just got another raise at work.

Two incomes. How nice that will be again. Plus, though we’ll be apart for awhile, if he does work through the holidays we’ll put aside enough money to have a good amount of savings to live fairly comfortable up there until he finds something.

I think the job market in Seattle is much better than here anyway. Considering I spent 4 months applying for jobs everywhere between Sacramento and San Diego and got a grand total of 2 calls—both of which flaked on me for the interview—the job market in CA clearly sucks. The first time I applied to a number of jobs in Seattle I got 3 calls within a week. Even if this round of jobs doesn’t pan out I think my next round will. I just have to figure out where to apply?

Entry 54—AKA: “The one that took me two weeks to write.”

I know I’m depressed when I become offended by everything. I was sitting in my brother’s car today, on the way to have dinner with our mom, when he asked me if I have had any callbacks from job applications. I looked around at his new Acura: 2007, all electronic, built in GPS, screen, leather seats and for a moment I was so upset I wanted to cry.

I managed to choke out a no, and buried my hurt feelings under the attentions I suddenly lavished upon my phone.

I know I was naive. I know I was. To think for a moment I would have a chance at walking into any kind of job within three months of graduation was (and is) nothing more than the naive anticipations of someone who doesn’t understand the world as it is right now. Yet, at the same time, I cannot escape this feeling that I’ve wasted so much time, time and effort, not to mention money, getting an education that has done nothing to improve my place in the job market. I find myself asking questions like “should I have just quite school when I got my AA’s and kept working full time?” I had a great job—and if I had never advanced my education I would have been adequately qualified, and probably not bored with it as I was after I became more educated. I could have retired with the college; I would have a better shot at other jobs at the college. I could be an administrative assistant now, and be eligible for other jobs and have more experience…

Instead I’m here. Jobless, with an education that does little to set me apart from the dozens of hundreds of other unemployed humanities majors. I must admit, disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe.

In all honesty, I’ve not been as depressed as I am right now in years. I’m ashamed at how my post-graduation life has turned out. I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know what to do. I’m devastated that my dream—the one I’ve been working towards for the last 5 years—has turned out to be yet another disappointing mark in my otherwise disappointing series of milestones that is my life.

How to combat this? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Some days I’m happy just going about my job hunting. Just last week I realized that grad school applications are due soon, and that injected some meaning into my otherwise meaningless existence…

I hope something works out soon; I’m not sure how much longer I can feel like this without having a breakdown. Plus, I’m really tired of feeling sad.