Entry 54—AKA: “The one that took me two weeks to write.”

I know I’m depressed when I become offended by everything. I was sitting in my brother’s car today, on the way to have dinner with our mom, when he asked me if I have had any callbacks from job applications. I looked around at his new Acura: 2007, all electronic, built in GPS, screen, leather seats and for a moment I was so upset I wanted to cry.

I managed to choke out a no, and buried my hurt feelings under the attentions I suddenly lavished upon my phone.

I know I was naive. I know I was. To think for a moment I would have a chance at walking into any kind of job within three months of graduation was (and is) nothing more than the naive anticipations of someone who doesn’t understand the world as it is right now. Yet, at the same time, I cannot escape this feeling that I’ve wasted so much time, time and effort, not to mention money, getting an education that has done nothing to improve my place in the job market. I find myself asking questions like “should I have just quite school when I got my AA’s and kept working full time?” I had a great job—and if I had never advanced my education I would have been adequately qualified, and probably not bored with it as I was after I became more educated. I could have retired with the college; I would have a better shot at other jobs at the college. I could be an administrative assistant now, and be eligible for other jobs and have more experience…

Instead I’m here. Jobless, with an education that does little to set me apart from the dozens of hundreds of other unemployed humanities majors. I must admit, disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe.

In all honesty, I’ve not been as depressed as I am right now in years. I’m ashamed at how my post-graduation life has turned out. I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know what to do. I’m devastated that my dream—the one I’ve been working towards for the last 5 years—has turned out to be yet another disappointing mark in my otherwise disappointing series of milestones that is my life.

How to combat this? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Some days I’m happy just going about my job hunting. Just last week I realized that grad school applications are due soon, and that injected some meaning into my otherwise meaningless existence…

I hope something works out soon; I’m not sure how much longer I can feel like this without having a breakdown. Plus, I’m really tired of feeling sad.