Entry 32--AKA: "Surprise?"

Sometimes I go back and read my old blogs (the ones on my MySpace in particular) and I remember the Dimple days, and how for several years that I thought it might be it for me. That the record store and all the nightmare that came with it was all I would have. I remember one instance in particular, when most of my close friends had quit, I told one of my co-workers that I would quit before I turned 25--the day before my 25th birthday if I had to--and that person laughed and said "Yeah, right. You know you're a lifer."

They were kidding, of course, but there was a part of it that was not a joke, and I knew that what they said--at least at that moment--was completely the truth.

I look back now and although I'm depressed I waited so long to get my life together, at the same time I'm not. I'm happy I experienced the record store: the laughter, the drinking, the friends, the love, the heartache...I'll never have experiences like that again, and they are a huge influence on me today.

But I cannot help but feel surprised that I was able to do it. To leave, two months before my 25th birthday, and I've not gone back. I never knew I had it in me to be so....well, I don't know the word, and I don't know if it exists, but whatever it is, it's good. Just remembering makes me feel good about myself.

Entry 31--AKA: "Rediscovering my Resolve."

My last blog was not so joyful, I realize that, and frankly the last few weeks have sucked balls--excuse the course language. It has been one of those quarters where I am reminded that everything happens for a reason and it is not our place to know the why's and how's of it all until we are in the thick of it. One can only make the best of each situation presented to them, and to do anything less would be a disservice.

I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown last week. School is hard. School is fucking hard, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. What makes it harder is life outside of school--real life--where decisions have to be made, choices are not always so clear, and the outcomes are even less so. In school the decisions are easy: you do the work assigned to you, you turn it in and receive a grade. In school it is not the decisions that are hard, it's the work. Life, though, is the reverse: it's easy to quit a job, stop paying bills, and drink yourself into a coma; what is hard is fighting the desire to do so, and the decisions that come along with life.

Then there are relationships which come with their own brand of nausea. Meeting new people, cultivating friendships and social networks--such things have never been my strong point. I am somehow managing through these sorts of necessary evils, but there are times when I feel absolutely silly trying to get to know people and must force myself to remember that I have as much to offer others as they have to offer me. Low-self esteem will attack these moments with a vengeance when not checked with constant reminders.

Oh the future. I'm about ready to call it quits on working towards anything after next June. June 2010--my pinnacle.
But in case I want to consider a future beyond there are two choices:
Teaching--Sac State or SF State
Library Science--San Jose State or Drexel

So there you have it. If I had to choose tomorrow I would probably go to SJ state for LS...but both options hold their pros and cons.

Decisions, decisions. At least I have time to make them. A year. A very. Short. Year.

Entry 30--AKA: "Coping with a case of the D's."

Disappointment, distraction, disillusionment...the d's are upon me!

This quarter has been eye-opening, in both good and bad ways. I'm sincerely questioning so many parts of my life right now, and in many ways feel like I am at the beginning of a whole new journey. It is such a strange feeling to see the forks in the road in front of you, and to have to navigate them through so that the end result is not altogether unfavorable. It's hard to do.

I am having second-thoughts about teaching. Why? I don't know. My resolve has been seriously shaken after my application debacle, and it is hard for me to not see that as failure. After all, I should have looked at the job description and researched the qualifications months ago and rolled out a plan of action last summer knowing what I intended to do. It just makes me wonder if my heart is really "in it," or if I'm just pursuing this as the easiest course of action given my current state of affairs.

Also, my logic class is not going well. I think I may have reached my limit, and I am now faced with the unsavory prospect that I might do poorly in this class. I am now researching the repercussions I would face should I drop the class--if I even have time to drop the class--and if I don't drop the class, what would happen should I do poorly (i.e. fail). I have basically decided that philosophy is the way to go with my minor, which is fine. It's probably a better fit anyway, given that my major is literature. However, I cannot help but feel a twinge of disappointment, since the field of logic is a genuine interest to me. I suppose this is one of those things I will have to pursue in my own time.

Needless to say, I have some decisions to make. Finals are looming, and summer school is just around the corner. Not to mention that I realized I should probably take the GRE's this year if I'm going to seriously apply for grad school for fall 2010--which, of course, lends itself to a whole heap of considerations given my hang-ups on my future....

That is where I'm at. I've been wanting to get this out for awhile now, but I've been too busy trying to stay ahead in my reading. Since I fell behind in reading this weekend due to a poetry paper due-date, and stress over an impending change in my job situation, I think it's safe to say I deserve a quick break to clear my head via blogging.

As always, thanks for reading.

--J