Entry 31--AKA: "Rediscovering my Resolve."

My last blog was not so joyful, I realize that, and frankly the last few weeks have sucked balls--excuse the course language. It has been one of those quarters where I am reminded that everything happens for a reason and it is not our place to know the why's and how's of it all until we are in the thick of it. One can only make the best of each situation presented to them, and to do anything less would be a disservice.

I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown last week. School is hard. School is fucking hard, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. What makes it harder is life outside of school--real life--where decisions have to be made, choices are not always so clear, and the outcomes are even less so. In school the decisions are easy: you do the work assigned to you, you turn it in and receive a grade. In school it is not the decisions that are hard, it's the work. Life, though, is the reverse: it's easy to quit a job, stop paying bills, and drink yourself into a coma; what is hard is fighting the desire to do so, and the decisions that come along with life.

Then there are relationships which come with their own brand of nausea. Meeting new people, cultivating friendships and social networks--such things have never been my strong point. I am somehow managing through these sorts of necessary evils, but there are times when I feel absolutely silly trying to get to know people and must force myself to remember that I have as much to offer others as they have to offer me. Low-self esteem will attack these moments with a vengeance when not checked with constant reminders.

Oh the future. I'm about ready to call it quits on working towards anything after next June. June 2010--my pinnacle.
But in case I want to consider a future beyond there are two choices:
Teaching--Sac State or SF State
Library Science--San Jose State or Drexel

So there you have it. If I had to choose tomorrow I would probably go to SJ state for LS...but both options hold their pros and cons.

Decisions, decisions. At least I have time to make them. A year. A very. Short. Year.