Entry 21--AKA: "Anonymity."

I was walking across campus today after my 2:00 class and it hit me somewhere around A street at Shields Avenue that I was suffering from academic loneliness. I realized that I'm a week into my first quarter at Davis and I've yet to speak to anyone in any of my classes beyond "is this seat taken?" I started to recollect my first semesters at ARC when I didn't work on campus, and how I felt in the back corners of my classrooms, refusing to speak to anyone, afraid that I would say the wrong thing, and feeling behind everyone else who was younger, smarter, and was already used to this foreign collegiate atmosphere. I had really taken for granted these last few semesters the comforts of people who were familiar to me, teachers who I knew (even if it was through an acquaintance of an acquaintance), and classrooms that had become like a second home.

I am feeling extraordinarily average. Average in everything I do, and think. Even the dumb people in my classes (yes, there are a few), still seem to have some sense to them, and I'm beginning to wonder to myself if my own attempts at classroom participation aren't laughed at by others the way I laugh at some of the people myself. I think the first hint that I got of this apprehension was this morning when this guy I know from ARC who has been sitting next to me every class now sat two seats over, completely passing up the seat next to me. I sniffed myself wondering if I was emanating some sort of funk that I had, until then, not noticed, and didn't smell anything. Paranoia set in, and next thing I knew I started to analyze who sat next to me, and why they didn't speak to me and the ball continued to rolling around in my mind.

This is what led up to my revelation.

Part of me is kind of wishing I had decided up on Sac State, because at least most of the people I already know from ARC (at least English majors) are already there and I would know at least someone. But, Davis is where I set my heart on, and Davis is where I'll stay. I know this is going to be a hard quarter--change is always hard--I just need to stick it out.

Until then, I know that eventually Davis will be old, and I'll know people. It's just a matter of time. I just need to be patient and this, too, will be comfortable and easy.