Entry 9--AKA: "Just a short one before I begin work."

I can't describe my feelings lately. I'm so excited that the semester is almost over and yet I do not want it to end. I have this paper due tomorrow that I have procrastinated practically the entire semester and I'm still nowhere near finished with it. I'm feeling uninspired and I'm beginning to doubt my talents as a writer. I'm feel as though I have this lump in my chest that is keeping me from feeling truly happy about where I am with school and I don't know why and I don't know how to change it.

I guess I feel unprepared. I know that's probably not the case but I feel as though I should take another writing course or at least a few more literature courses here before I take that leap into a four year school--but for what? Everyone who reads my academic writing says I'm fairly good at it and aside from my lack of planning (in most cases due to procrastination) my writing is pretty good. But that doesn't make me feel any better. I would like to know how I can change it. Right now when I write I feel like I'm aiming an arrow into the dark and it's lucky that I manage to hit the target every time. I wonder if it's that my teachers haven't been hard enough on me, or have been easy on me because of my personality or whatever. Is that concieted to even think? I know I haven't been every english teachers favorite student my wholel life so I must be doing something right.

I suppose I'm just having "cold feet." I'm sure this is totally normal, after all I'm really secure at ARC--I know my way around, I know teachers, where the best study places are, the best bathrooms, I know my way around the system, where to get help, and how to make the most of my experience here. It's been a trial and error kind of process but now it's more trials and less errors and mostly positive, especially in recent years. I also get alot of support here from teachers and other students that I've actually grown quite fond of.

I was riding my bike to school last Friday morning at around 7:15 in the morning. I walked over to the cafeteria to get some coffee and as I was walking to the LRC (where I work on campus) I realized how absolutely stunning the morning was. It was this perfect temperature and the sun was just fully over the horizon and light seemed to be reflecting off of everything in this surreal sort of way. Everything seemed brighter; even inside I felt brighter in spirit. Then I hear this fantastic sound--it immediately took me back to jazz band in the early morning hours of highschool--like the sound of wire brush dragged down the side of cymbal. It was this prolonged, incredibly beautiful sound that made the hair on my arms stand up on end. I stopped and couldn't help my close my eyes and drink in this delicious sound with every ounce of my being. It finally stopped and I looked around for the source of the sound. It seemed to come from everywhere since it reverberated off of the brick buildings of the library, LRC, and bookstore. The sound began again and this time I looked around at what could've caused it. A sprinkler was running and the stream of water was hitting this metal light pole square on the side: that was the source of this otherworldly sound.

I think these are the things I'm going to miss about ARC. These small nuances that, though they may seem simple or even obscure, I like to know that these experiences are here for me and every day I can have them. I know this great spot between the LRC, Bookstore and Gym that, if you stand there while the bells are ringing on the hour from the Library the sound will echo several times and it's wonderful to hear. I love taking a break at 5 pm just to stand there and listen to the bells echo in this one spot.

I know I'll find this kind of stuff at Davis but I worry at how long it will take. I hope it's sooner rather than later.