Entry 35--AKA: "Finding the light in the dark."

I suppose I have finally begun the process of coming to terms with my awful high school experience. I never expected to, and now that it is started, I can certainly see it is not going to be an overnight process. I have always joked that I intend to get a good-paying job just so I can afford all the therapy I will need to hash out some of my tucked away angst from high school, but in many ways I always doubted the humor in the joke.

High school was not fun. I've blogged about this topic before. It has been ten years--as of June 2009--since I graduated high school and I am as bitter today as I was the moment I walked across that stage for my diploma. Bitter at so many things: my perceived lack of acceptance, having to hide who I was, the feeling of being under a glass, and--probably worst of all--hating myself because I was supposed to: because that's what everyone else did. Well, maybe not everyone, but as a sensitive and (come to find out) depressed 18 year old girl, it sure felt that way. It must also be said that high school kids are cruel. The pressure to fit in, the pressure if you don't, and the desire to not want to desire to fit in; all of these things add to this ever-increasing angst that, at least for me, made me loath not only the experience buy myself as well, because I would see others who really looked happy, who really liked being there and I would ask myself "Why am I not more like them?"

I have joined some social networking sites in the last 5 years, and it has put me in touch with people that I thought I would never meet up with again. There some bad, of course, but--and this was unexpected--there was some good. It seems odd, but I have found that I have fallen into the trap of all things we encounter in life: I had forgotten all the good things about high school, even if they were just little things, and the people involved weren't major players in my overall high school experience, at least not at the time. Most, if not all, of these people were in the Marching Band.

Yes, marching band was a huge part of my high school experience, and it is the only thing I look back on with any sort of fondness (except of course the beloved Noelle). But until lately, I had forgotten entirely how much it had meant to me, and how much it continues to shape my life. My senior year in high school was probably the hardest for me because so many of my friends that I had the first three years had graduated the year before. However, I have realized that so many of my favorite people in band (and colorguard, of course!) were those who were there my senior year, classes of 2000, 2001, and 2002--those were good kids. They worked hard, they really tried, they made me laugh, and I know they saw me cry. I challenged them, I pushed them around, I yelled at them, I helped them, I asked for their help, and, when it came down to it, they pulled through every time, no matter what, and THEY MADE my senior year.

So, here's to you--my forgotten band friends. You were there when I needed you and I forgot about you. You were overshadowed by all those bad things, but now I've realized that and will focus on the good instead. Thanks to YOU high school wasn't so bad, and thanks to you band is that much more a bright memory.

Thank you.